On Longroofs and Stickshifts: One Jalop's Lament

"bugattatra - parallel double-park that muthafucka sideways" (bugattatra) 12/15/2013 at 17:27 • Filed to: oppositelock

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Let me preface this post by saying any broad generalizations are just that, and are meant in good humor. Prove them wrong by not taking them too seriously.

Long time no post, but I've got a good excuse. My wife and I are overjoyed to be expecting our first child after nearly 11 wonderful years of marriage. It's simultaneously beautiful and horrifying news, and has sent us on a mad dash to get our finances, health, home, and even our car in order before the July 24 th , 2014 due date.

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Being childless never stopped me from liking wagons, and in many ways we already have the perfect mommymobile— !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . It's safe, commodious, and even has a factory built-in child seat. It's also a massive steaming pile of shit, albeit a fun to drive beat one. It's been through approximately 17 head gaskets, and based on nothing more than intuition (aaand maybe the conversation drowning gear whine) I'd say it's well on the way towards lunching it's second 4 th gear synchro, taking the rest of the gearbox with it. Time for an upgrade.

Here are my criteria:

Longroof

Safe

Fun to drive

Manual transmission

Not front wheel drive

See number four

A mythical beast. I've spent the last five weeks scouring Craigslist, eBay, and Autotrader for a car that matches this description, and have turned up empty handed again and again—despite the fact that this is literally what I do for a living as a professional car hunter/writer with Bring a Trailer.

First I thought I'd like a Forester Turbo, because I really like Subaru's, and you'll notice reliability was not among my list of must-have characteristics.

They're fast (0-60 in 5 flat, stock), safe (for more than a decade now Subaru has quietly been building the safest cars on the road, regularly beating even Volvo in tests), and make that fantastic off-kilter, deep farting noise I love so much. I've already got !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! that would look perfect in combination with a coil over enabled drop, and we'd have more than enough room in the back to accommodate the seed, Home Depot runs, and our midcentury furniture hunting addiction (and our super-posh ass collie – edit by author's wife).

Problem is the only examples I've found are either beat to hell with 100k + miles, ridiculously overpriced, tastelessly modified, rusty, previously wrecked, and/or in violation of commandments 4 & 6. All of this can also be applied to turbocharged Legacy wagons.

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Maybe an E46 Touring, then? After all I love German cars. I love the way they're built, engineered, and the way they drive. I used to love them even more back when they were styled with the kind of careful, purposeful restraint German design used to stand for, an ethos of which the E46 was perhaps the last BMW to adhere to. Problems with this one:

German cars are nearly without exception driven by sociopaths and other assholes.

Though this describes me pretty accurately I like to pretend to myself that I am a nice guy.

My wife is a sweetheart and doesn't deserve these associations. Read into that what you will.

The only manual equipped ones are owned by BMWCCA types (see no. 1) and are extraordinarily overpriced. This is what happens when a group of people who derive so much of their over-inflated yet shallow and delicate sense of self from their car are allowed to appraise its monetary value.

I'd buy an Audi but I like a car that is built and drives properly more than I like soft touch plastics. Many feel differently, though, and in addition to fitting the typical German car driver characteristics mentioned above, these people frequently have fauxhawks and small, yipping dogs with Louis Vuitton collars.

That brings me neatly to Plan C., buy a nice W124 300TE and throw in an LSsomethingorother from a wrecked Vette/Camaro/Firebird/Saab 9-7x, hook it all up to 6-speed of some sort, then happily drive around in the best car ever hacked.

I'd put another list of impediments here but it's not necessary as only one thing really stops me from doing this—I'm awful at swinging a wrench. I enjoy it, and have semi-successfully toyed with project cars in the past, but never anything entrusted to cart a baby around in.

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Are you listening Subaru? You have at least one American customer who could probably scrape enough cash together to kind of afford a new forced induction Legacy wagon or Forester XT should you choose to offer him one with a manual like you already do in other, less stupid countries.

Last night I decided I'll just get a nice '06-'07 Hawkeye WRX five door and an old beater Datsun pickup. Now all I need to do is find an example of the former with no mods and low mileage—wish me luck.

190e30-Now with COSWORTH > bugattatra - parallel double-park that muthafucka sideways 12/15/2013 at 17:39

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Well for one, there's the Saab 9-3 Aero Sportcombi. Stick, pretty to look at, a wagon, and either a Turbo'd V6 or I4, depending on the year/body style. Both have plenty of oomph with about 250hp, but they're also in violation of #5. There's also one of these:

Fun, good handling, 5 seats, bulletproof 5 cylinder. Similar catflap to the Subies you love if you do a little exhaust work (even just removing a resonator works fine). Super safe, built like a tank. The heaviest doors I've ever felt. Plus, locking center diff. But, it's in violation of #1

Ian Duer (320b) > bugattatra - parallel double-park that muthafucka sideways 12/15/2013 at 17:49

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I'm not an Audi fan either but I saw one of these for sale and it got all my wants.

2.7 Turbo, AWD, 6-sp MT, suspension height adjustable from cockpit, big fat tires and everything.

Harrycarry250 > bugattatra - parallel double-park that muthafucka sideways 12/15/2013 at 17:54

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I am all for Mercedes. Not all people that drive German vehicles are assholes and infact, I have never seen a driver of a pre-w126 be an asshole. That said, a w124 or w123 wagon can be had with a manual and are both RWD. They are phenomenal vehicles and you'll get mad jalop points if you find a 300td with a 5 speed. The w124's are beautiful and classy, it is easier to find both w124's and w123's with manual-petrol engine combo. Manual-diesel combo is much more rare and is likely the recipient of a tranny transplant. Although automatic transmissions get a lot of flak here on jalopnik, Mercedes has always made very responsive and overall good transmissions. I drive my 300tdt with the 3 speed auto everyday. I regularly use the L, S, and D settings to choose my gear and she always shifts up or kicks down at the drop of a hat. In short buy a Mercedes.

Takuro Spirit > bugattatra - parallel double-park that muthafucka sideways 12/15/2013 at 17:55

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I tried to find something with this criteria for awhile, and unless you open yourself to a few CUV's, there aren't very many options.

But are you willing to let a Element, Outlander (unicorn with a stick and AWD but they do exist), or other jacked up wagon into your life?

wbizarre - OEM fetishist > bugattatra - parallel double-park that muthafucka sideways 12/15/2013 at 18:14

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Re: E46.

It seems 3 of the 4 reasons you have against it are social stereotypes. And stereotypes will never change if people aren't willing to step up to change them. Besides, most people on the road simply don't give a shit what you drive. If you don't drive like an asshole you won't be noticed.

Also, what about an e39 5er? A friend of mine got a 525 manual wagon for a good price about a year ago. They're rare, but that goes for most wagons.

Pro-BMW propaganda rant over.

webmonkees > bugattatra - parallel double-park that muthafucka sideways 12/15/2013 at 18:19

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17 gaskets? That's like, 9 times with a 'screw it, it's not leaking yet on that side'. I thought the myth was that Subaru had 'fixed' the gasket. Somebody likes high revs.

IGmeanwell > bugattatra - parallel double-park that muthafucka sideways 12/15/2013 at 18:48

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We have a 2013 outback we purchased literally days after finding out we were pregnant and then took it to California and back. We also have an 02 Forester and we actually had a '14 Forester loaned to us while the outback received a remote starter. My extended family has had your generation outbacks as well as legacies foresters and only one had the head gasket issue. However that outback had a host of problems that went along with that head gasket. Our '13 Outback has amazing space for our little one, quiet and quite comfortable. That being said the'14 forester's engine and cvt are so much quieter smoother and responsive, it was incredibly fun to drive but not as great as a family car due to a less comfortable interior. However it stops there compared to the outback, much prefer the outback.... both are so much better than my 02 forester. I still prefer Subarus to just about everything else and where we live (hills & snow) they are the best for getting where you need to go safely. My one word of advice as a dad whatever you get you will always be longing for more room :) If you plan to have any more kids do yourself a favor and look for something bigger than a standard wagon.

Big Bubba Ray > Ian Duer (320b) 12/15/2013 at 19:02

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These things are great, until the suspension gives way. My friend picked one up last year and damn is it fun to drive. The turbos kick in and it can scoot. My only gripe is the suspension. His Allroad has been in the shop nearly every month since he bought it getting suspension work done. Some days the front suspension is totally dropped while the back is up in the air. Other days the left side is grounded and the right side is up high. It's very unpredictable and unreliable. If the air suspension didn't suck, these cars would be amazing.

Ian Duer (320b) > Big Bubba Ray 12/15/2013 at 19:41

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I wish that surprised me, but that was my exact fear about the car. Sounded good on paper but go figure that the suspension would suck in reality.

Jay Lauer > bugattatra - parallel double-park that muthafucka sideways 12/15/2013 at 20:18

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Just get the WRX or Forester Turbo. It'll be the easiest to find with your requirements and most tasteless mods are easily reversible. There's no 330i Touring option and an LS Merc will take a while to even build.

The WRX wagon I had was fun, reliable, and quite good on gas if I was nice to it. And it made me money after I sold it. Win win

bugattatra - parallel double-park that muthafucka sideways > Jay Lauer 12/15/2013 at 21:12

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The Forester would be ideal but they're incredibly rare. WRX is pretty much a certainty, plus it will give me an excuse to buy an old pickup which I've always wanted.

Jay Lauer > bugattatra - parallel double-park that muthafucka sideways 12/15/2013 at 21:22

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Yeah, as the owner of an E46 now, I can tell you it's much easier to find a WRX wagon than any sort of E46 wagon, especially with a manual. Subaru's aren't the most refined, but it'll cost much less to run than any BMW.

And beater pickups are a blast.

Actually, I tried looking for a Forester, but chose the WRX cause I'd rather sit low in the car.

bugattatra - parallel double-park that muthafucka sideways > Jay Lauer 12/15/2013 at 22:25

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I hear ya man, but there's something wonderfully absurd about a big, fast, loud but otherwise unassuming box on wheels.

What kind of E46 did you end up with? Someday in the next few years I hope to get my hands on a manual M3.

Jay Lauer > bugattatra - parallel double-park that muthafucka sideways 12/16/2013 at 01:09

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I would love to get a manual M3, but enthusiasts have already took hold and the values are on the rise, quickly.

I bought a 330xi. I got an amazing deal and I'm sure to make money on it. But in hindsight, I would've rather gotten a 330i with a stick. I might get a E36 M3 next if I can find a good cheap one. Bonus point for 4 door manual.

jdrgoat - Ponticrack? > Ian Duer (320b) 12/16/2013 at 02:17

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"...big fat tires and everything."

Nice, I see what you did there.

bugattatra - parallel double-park that muthafucka sideways > Jay Lauer 12/16/2013 at 03:35

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Nice. Good luck in your quest, love the sedans.

Fuel_of_Satan > bugattatra - parallel double-park that muthafucka sideways 12/17/2013 at 20:40

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Good luck in your search.

I've had more or less the same criteria for my last two cars only adding "diesel" to the list and I feel your pain. The choice of cars is minute even in Europe.

Admittedly I feel like I have sacrificed a bit of fun for reliability and wound up with a W124 250 diesel. Manual. No sunroof. I hate sunroofs, nothing but a source of problems. Leaks, faults or a combination of the two. I would post a picture, but it looks exactly like the one you pictured here except the gray cloth interior and LHD.

But Mercs with a minimum of extras, diesel and manual transmission are rare as hens teeth here in Europe, I can't imagine you'll find one at all in the States.

Fuel_of_Satan > Harrycarry250 12/17/2013 at 20:56

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Mercs automatics are pretty good, I've driven one for a few years now (W124, 4-speed auto), but I still think its a little clumsy and agricultural compared to American automatics of the period. It feels right at home in a military spec G-Wagen, not so much an E-class.

Bulletproof though and it'll do what it's told in a firm, German, way and as long you remembered to shift into "2" at the lights so 1st gear engages you'd keep up with traffic even in a non-turbo diesel (Starts in 2nd when the shifter is in "D" to hide the transmission's inner tractor at low speeds).

But don't get me wrong though, buy Mercedes.

Over the 6 years I kept a 25 year old, worn out, tired, lowered, KN-filtered, hacked-for-speakers interiored, coolant burning, white smoke belching (Cracked head), rattly, squeaky, burnout-and-drift 300D it only needed repairs once to keep going, even passing two inspections during that time (Not even trying for a 3rd...)

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > bugattatra - parallel double-park that muthafucka sideways 12/18/2013 at 11:36

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Congrats on the kiddo! Our third is 10 months old now.

Although a wagon wasn't a requirement for me, I went through a similar process about a year and a half ago. I was coming from an '05 Mazda 3s hatch, which I loved, but after 7 years was ready for something different. My criteria:

1. Four doors

2. > 250 hp

3. Great steering feel / handling (similar to your fun to drive req.)

4. Manual transmission

5. RWD or AWD

6. < ~$30k

The one you're looking for is much more of a unicorn (in the States) than mine, but my options were still fairly limited. After driving a new WRX, interior quality and shifter feel were added to the list - I wasn't willing to downgrade on those two points for more power and AWD. I also drove an '11 G37s sedan, which was a perfectly nice car, but then I drove, and was completely ruined by, an '08 E90 M3...

Long story short, I upped my ceiling, sold some stock to cover the difference, and have been thoroughly enjoying every minute in one of my dream cars from that point on.

All the best on your hunt!